JewCentral

By Rabbi David Aaron

Real love is a process of getting to know somebody. To love you I have to get to know you because how can I make a big space inside of me to include you if I don’t know who you are? So if I just met you, I can’t even begin to know who you are. However, I might spend a great deal of time with you over long periods and still not know you.
My friend David was going out with a woman to whom he ultimately became engaged. Then, one day, shortly before the wedding, he went to see her. It was raining outside and he had borrowed a friend’s raincoat, which just happened to be one of those hip Australian oilskins like those that ranchers in the outback wear. He came into her house, and she took one look at him and said, “Just like I’ve always pictured you.”

“What do you mean-in the rain? What are you talking about?”

“That’s how I’ve always seen you-riding on the range.”

“But I’ve never even been on a horse,” David said.

At that moment he realized that, with the coat, he looked something like the Marlboro Man, and maybe she was picturing him as somebody else. Maybe she had somebody else in mind and had only projected her image of what she wanted onto him. And suddenly it hit him. The whole time they were dating, she was “cheating” on him. She was seeing another man, and that man was him. She was in love with her fantasy, not with who he really was.

People are often in love with love. They are fantasizing their own love story. What they don’t realize is that it isn’t this person whom they love. This person merely represents the person they want to love. They love love, not the person they are with.

Because truly, they don’t even know the person they are with. That’s a very serious problem.

Love is a process of getting to know somebody. Because how can I make a big space inside of me to include you, if I don’t know who you are? So, if I just met you, I can’t even begin to know who you are. Indeed, I might even spend a great deal of time with you over a long period of time and still not know you.

There is a wonderful Hassidic story of two men who are enjoying a drink together, and the one guy says to the other. “You know you are my best friend. I love you.”

And the other guy responds, “Oh yeah? If you really love me, tell me what’s hurting me?”

Of course, he is saying, if you love me, you know me — you know what’s hurting me.

All too often when we realize that we don’t know the other person is when we realize that we are not in love.

In the movie, The Graduate, in which a young man is having an affair with the mother of his own fianc�, there is a scene that brings home this point. Dustin Hoffman tells Ann Bancroft, who is playing the mother, that he can’t go on with the affair anymore.

And she looks at him with eyes of love and asks what’s wrong. “I love you!” she says.

But he says he can’t do this anymore.

She presses: “Why not?”

“Because,” he says, “I don’t even know your first name, Mrs. Robinson.”

They are having an affair, she loves him, but he doesn’t even know her first name!

This is actually the problem with the relationship between the first man and woman in the Garden of Eden. It was love at first sight. “And Adam said, ‘ this is flesh of my flesh, bone of my bone: she shall be called woman, because she was taken out of man.’” This was the original fall in love. Only after the sin and the tension it caused in their relationship that Adam recognizes the woman deserves her own name. “And Adam called his wife’s name Eve…” Prior to the sin he did not acknowledge her as an independent character with a name. He did not appreciate her uniqueness, nor did he sufficiently respect her as an individual, who is other than himself. He saw his wife only in terms of himself; as an extension of himself. He was man and she was woman. They were essentially one and the same. He was enthralled with their oneness; however, he failed to see that she was other than himself, another human being, with her own character.

Only after the breakdown in their relationship did their quest and work for true oneness and love start. Only then did he acknowledge her as different and other than him. Now he is Adam and she is Eve. Now they are different and now they can do the work to get to know each other, making the space to include each other, help each other and become one. It is very significant that only then does the Torah tell us, “And Adam knew his wife Eve.”

An excerpt from Endless Light.

The Torah and Kabbalah see the relationship between every couple as part of an ongoing process fixing the cursed relationship of Adam and Eve thereby receiving the light of love back into the world. One of those curses is dominance. A relationship of dominance does not express love. The Kabbalah teaches that love is making a space within yourself for an other and giving of yourself to that other. Only when two people give to each other and help each other within a relationship of mutual respect and inclusiveness can they experience the power and miracle of true love.
You are probably wondering how all this fits with the well known verse in the Torah stating that “He will rule over you.” Is this not the very source and justification for man’s dominance over woman? The answer is, “No, on the contrary.” The Torah is telling us that this is a curse, not the norm, and not the ideal to strive for. We are responsible to nullify this curse, just as modern technology in agriculture is nullifying the curse of “cursed is the ground for your sake …thorns and thistles shall it bring forth to you…..by the sweat of your brow shall you eat bread.”

We see how the curse of male dominance was nullified in the loving relationships of all the Patriarchs and Matriarchs in the Torah.

G-d tells Abraham in Genesis Chapter 21 verse 12, “all that Sarah has said to you, hearken to her voice.” The Oral tradition teaches that this verse indicates that Sarah’s prophetic sense was stronger than Abraham. Rebecca too, could hardly be described as subordinate to her husband Isaac. It was Rebecca who courageously coaxed her son Jacob into disguising himself as his manipulative brother Esau and coming before blind Isaac to get the blessing. She took this initiative in order to show Isaac just how blind and vulnerable he could be. Rebecca had the insight to know that it was truly Jacob who deserved the blessings and she needed to orchestrate this play in order to help Isaac realize the sad truth regarding Esau’s manipulation. We also find when Jacob wanted to move out of his father-in-laws house he needed to earnestly convince his wives Rachel and Leah to agree. He clearly did not rule over them, announcing his decision to move irregardless of their opinion or consent.

True love is not achieved through dominion it takes mutual respect for each other’s unique strengths and giving to each other.

A student of mine, while she was dating, had an encounter with a fellow who took the curse of male dominance as an ideal standard for a relationship. On the first date, he asked her, “Do you like to cook?”

And she said, “No, I hate it.”

“Well,” he says, “do you like to clean?”

“No!”

“What about laundry.”

“Absolutely not.”

She sees that her answers are shocking him, so she says, “Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure,” he nods.

“Is this a job interview?”

It was clear the guy wasn’t looking you a wife, but for a housekeeper. Women tend to make the same mistake by asking about the man’s money making status and how good are his chances for advancements.

A friend of mine from Toronto was visiting New York and was set up on a date. He called her up for instructions on how to get to her place. She began to explain which highways he should take, but then he interrupted, “I am looking for directions to your place by bus.”

“What? You don’t have a car? Well, then forget it.”

This woman wasn’t looking for a husband, she was looking for a chauffer. And if so, that’s just what she’s going to get, and he’ll drive her crazy.

One fellow who was contemplating a divorce, told me mournfully why he thought

the marriage went wrong. He said, “I know what my mistake was. I was looking for a Ferrari and I got a Ford.”

I said, “I think the problem was you were looking for a car.”

It is not a pet you are looking for. It is not a subordinate. It is not a housekeeper. It is not a

possession. When you seek a spouse, whether you are a man or a woman, you are not looking over a resume; you are not hiring to fill a vacancy. And you are not buying an appliance.

Sure we need a helpmate to help with the practical responsibilities of daily living, but we need a soulmate for the spiritual responsibilities of daily loving. To succeed in living and loving we need someone we respect equal to ourselves.

And the joy, the ecstasy and the mystery of being in love is this: we are one and yet not one and the same. I can include you, you can include me. We seem almost to share a single identity, and yet, simultaneously, we are not one and the same.

By Rabbi David Aaron

If I were to sum up all of Kabbalah (and Judaism in general) in just a one word I would say—LOVE. It is all about loving each other and loving G-d. It answers the ultimate question: How to love?

In trying to share the Jewish answer to this question, we are going to take a look at the basic unit of love that most of us can relate to on a concrete level: the love between man and woman.
In the very opening sentences of the Torah we are told that the first human being was created in G-d’s own image. And what was that image? The first human being was actually a man and a woman — a single entity that included the two sexes. Genesis Chapter 1, Verse 27 reads, “And G-d created man in His own image, in the image of G-d created He him; male and female created He them.”

The first human being was both male and female. And in this union of the sexes, in this oneness of opposites, the first human being reflected the image of G-d—a oneness that includes otherness and yet remains one.

This is a very important concept. A lone individual does not reflect the image of G-d; an individual in unity with another individual does. As we discussed last week, in the Kabbalistic picture of creation the light of G-d is described as a oneness that includes an otherness. So until an individual makes a space to include another, and allows that other to do the same, we do not have the oneness that reflects the image of G-d.

The Torah records that after the human being was created, G-d said: “It is not good for man to be alone.”

G-d determines that the human being needs “a helper,” but it is a while before Eve is created. Instead, all the birds and animals are created and the human being is asked to name them. At the conclusion of which, the Torah tells us that he did not find a helpmate.

What does naming the creatures have to do with finding a helpmate?

Well, the Midrash, the oral tradition of the Torah, has the answer. The Midrash explains that what was really going on was that G-d was playing matchmaker. G-d was fixing up the first human being with all the animals in the garden. And Adam was going out on dates. Well, imagine Adam standing there in the lobby of the Paradise Motel. He is waiting anxiously and who walks in but … “That’s a … that’s a … elephant! That’s an elephant! Wow. This won’t work, G-d.”

Poor Adam. He was surrounded by all these animals but he wasn’t happy. Now why couldn’t he be happy with an attractive giraffe or a cute little chicken? Because an animal is subordinate to man; it’s not his equal. In fact, Adam was commanded in Chapter 1, verse 28 ” and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth.” Adam cannot overcome his loneliness and find true love with a subordinate being over whom he rules.

The Torah is very clear in describing an appropriate spouse. G-d said, “I will make a fitting helper who is “kenegdo” — against him, opposite and parallel to him.” In other words, G-d will create for him someone who, in a very positive, respectful way, will stand opposite him and engage him on parallel ground.

An animal may be a great help to man in doing his work, but an animal cannot be the significant “other.” You will not be ultimately satisfied in the quest for love unless it is with someone you acknowledge is your equal, and whose difference you respect; an other. And an animal is not “an other” — not in an equal, parallel way.

You can not overcome loneliness and achieve true love with an animal, because an animal
is subordinate and when you — if you’re a man – are looking to get married, you are not looking for a woman who is subordinate, who has no mind of her own.

Of course, that’s not to say that some insecure men would prefer not to be challenged. I have heard guys advise each other “Get yourself a young girl, one you can mold.” And yes, a man might find someone young and vulnerable and try to make this woman fit his ridiculous fantasy of a wife who considers him the lord and master. But he will only make his life harder as a result. His will be a very lonely existence, and he will sorely miss the engagement that a “helpmate kenegdo” would have provided, an engagement that is so essential in the process of spiritual growth. All the sadder, because, in this way, he will deprive himself the opportunity of being the living manifestation of G-d expressed through the ability to love, making a space within himself to include a unique “other”.

A relationship of dominance does not express the image of G-d, it is not the image of love, it is not making a space within yourself for other and giving of yourself to that other. Only when two people give to each other and help each other within a relationship of mutual respect and inclusiveness can they receive the gift of love, the everlasting divine light of love.

Several years ago I was invited to speak at a conference called USA 2000. There were 2,000 single people there—and one married rabbi. As I walked through the hallways of the enormous conference hall, I noticed that most people had a strange nervous tick, a kind of head bobbing. After a while I started to notice that the tick was not consistent among all the participants. Some bobbed their heads quickly up and down, while other’s bobbed in a long drawn out way. Finally I realized that it was not a nervous tick at all, but the participants were eyeing each other up and down.
During the conference I had a very uncomfortable conversation with a woman who was “dressed to kill,” as the saying goes. More specifically, she was undressed to kill. This woman was very annoyed by the whole event. “You know, rabbi,” she sighed, “I am so sick and tired of men looking at me like a piece of meat.” I did not know what to say, other than, “So why do you dress like a piece of meat?” But I thought, what is the point? So I said to her, “You know what happens at these singles events? Everybody is looking for more. They are looking for an attractive person, and I can assure you that there will always be somebody more handsome and beautiful than whom they’ll find. They are looking for someone very intelligent, and I can assure you that there is always going to be someone more intelligent. They are looking for someone funny, and I can promise you that there is somebody even funnier. They are looking for someone successful, and I can guarantee you that there is someone even more successful.”

When you view people from the outside, sizing then up externally, I explained to her, you will always find someone more beautiful, more intelligent, funnier or more successful. But when you look at someone on the inside, when you look at their true self, their soul, you will never find anyone who can compare. And if you let people see your soul then they will never find anyone who can compare to you. When you deal in the realm of the soul, however, you quickly realize that no one in the world is alike. Kabbalah teaches that the soul, your true I is none other than a spark of God, so to speak, and therefore you are absolutely unique and incomparable. And when you relate as a soul to another soul your true self radiates a warm and brilliant divine light. Your true individuality shines out. Kabbalah teaches that souls are really only interested in and attracted to souls.

The only thing that attracts us to another person is not a thing at all. It is the spiritual, the essence, the divine—the ‘you’. The more that you can reveal yourself as a soul, the easier it will be to find your soul mate. People are not looking for their body mate; they are looking for their soul mate. But we create shtick around ourselves. We delude ourselves and put on psychological clothing that don’t fit. We assume certain ways of speaking and acting that get in the way of letting our soul shine out. I saw a comic strip from “Fifth St.” that depicts two young disheveled-looking guys who are giving each other advice about love, dating and marriage. One says to the other, “I am basically looking for a girl who will love me for who I think I am.” I know a lot of people who unknowingly have this problem. Rather than being real with who they are, they are lost in their self-delusions. Personal growth begins with being real about who you are so that you can start the journey towards becoming the “me” you want to be.