That’s it. I’ve had it. I cannot go to Shul (synagague) anymore. I’m gonna start davening (praying) at the “Kosel” to avoid all the humans that are driving me up the wall (no pun intended, on second thought, ok fine, it’s intended). I don’t know what’s happened lately – maybe it’s global warming, heck I dunno – but the human rights violations are increasing exponentially, with one quality of life infraction after another. Below is a list of the people that are guilty of these crimes, and will keep me davening at home until all of humanity reads this article and everyone starts behaving like normal humans again:
Shoe-steppers – Shoe-stepping is usually done by those creatures with the small faces. What are they called again? Ah yes, “kids.” This species is also known as Loudus Screamus or Disturbus Davenus. Their primary function, besides getting on a first name basis with the candy-man, is to step on your feet no matter where you try to hide them. For some reason, these creatures believe that adult feet end just below the ankles. Your toes don’t exist to them, and will therefore smash ’em every chance they get. Their heads are also directly in line with your valuables (as are train turnstiles) and they will not hesitate to bash them as they turn the shul into their own personal obstacle course. Their lollipop-sticky hands are also in direct line with your knees, and they will not hesitate to dirty up your suit. Why are they indoors wreaking havoc? Why aren’t they outdoors playing tag, like I did when I was a kid?
Tallis-whippers – Ladies, you are fortunate not to experience this incredible annoyance. Tallis-whippers are people who put on their tallis, but make sure to slash the eyes out of anyone within a six-foot radius of them. When men go to shul, they use one arm to fend off tallis attacks, and the other to protect their valuables from those kid people. Why do you think so many more men wear glasses than women do? It’s because they serve as Rec-Specs for facial protection.
Nose-blowers – Now who was the person who permitted nose blowing in public? Why on earth is it any different or less disgusting than expectorating, flatulating, or belching? (My theasaurus came in real handy on that one!) My rule is thus: If matter that resides inside of the human body escapes from an orifice to an external receptacle, DO IT IN THE BATHROOM!!!
Doorway-cloggers – There are some humans who unexplainably STAND in doorways and have conversations (on cell-phones sometimes, which is such an obvious transgression against G-d and humanity that I won’t bother dedicating a paragraph to it in this article). There are worse humans who actually daven Shmonei Esrei in doorways! What is WRONG with them? The appropriate punishment would be to lift them up in middle of their Shmonei Esrei and place them in middle of traffic. THEN we’ll see how much of a tzadik they are!
Side-winders – These are people that shuckel (Shake) side-to-side instead of forward-to-back. These freaks are the Tasmanian Devils of davening, taking everything with them as they rotate maniacally, bashing their elbows into bookshelves and humans. They. Must. Be. Stopped. At all costs. They are either with us or against us.
Mad-hatters – These are people who place their hat or shtreimel or spudik or kutchma or keshketel or Indiana Jones Stetson on the chair next to them, and just leave it there while they occupy the seat next to it, or better yet, sit down in a whole ‘nother part of shul. What is UP with that? Whenever that happens, I just stare at the hat, stare at the guy, stare at the hat, stare at the guy, as if to say, “Dood, I’m not gonna say ‘nothin’, but you’re an idiot to the nth degree. (That means like, to a really high degree) Take the bloody hat off the chair and hang it up so someone else can have a seat!!!”
Seat-shovers – These are nincompoops who shove their seat out behind them so they can daven Shmonei Esrei, then shove a little more to accommodate their three steps back. They are, in effect, occupying three spaces instead of one. Now then, I used to get annoyed when a prankster friend would knee me in the back of my knees and cause me to topple backward. I wasn’t a sport about it. Now I see its practical application. Friends, Jews, countrymen, join me in a holy war against seat-shovers. You see one, hit him in the back of the knees, and watch him flail. He may be too stupid to get the message, but at least it’ll be good for a couple of laughs.
Sefer-blockers – There are blockheads who stand in front of the shrank (bookcase) where the seforim are. Nobody should be there. They also feel like idiots when they start dodging sefer-hunting mispallelim. There should be some sort of a goalie’s crease around the bookcase. The Shamesh of the shul may serve as referee. If someone retrieves a sefer while someone is standing in the crease, the idiot gets thrown in the mikvah as a penalty. Who’s with me?
Ahhhhh, there, I got all that off my chest. Now I feel better. I can go back to shul now. Maybe I’ll step on some kids’ feet and glue lollipops to their knees while shukeling side-to-side in a doorway blowing my nose while my hat sits on someone’s seat.