Could the Yankees recent woes be attributed to a Rabbi from Brooklyn?
Bronx, NY- As chants of “Who’s your daddy?” filled Yankee stadium while Boston celebrated their win, Yankee fans were left with lots of other unanswered questions. How could the a tap on John Olerud’s leg limit him to one at bat in the series while a dislocated ankle tendon held down by three sutures make Schilling better? What is wrong with Jason Giambi today? How could a fan pay over $1,000 to sit in the cold in the upper deck to watch their team lose? Of course the biggest question was: how could a team that spends more than two or three times their rivals lose?
According to one unnamed Yankee pitcher, whose name rhymes with clown, it was Second Baseman Miguel Cairo’s fault. “He didn’t come through at key points in extra innings when a hit could have won the series for us. What’s he even doing on this team?!? We have an all-star at every position- except him! Why is Steinbrenner so cheap?!?”
One self-describe huge Yankee fan, Mary Groys is questioning how she can overcome this collapse. “I’ve grown much as a person over the last few years with each Yankee loss. I would commiserate with my friend Reuben and some personal heroes at the nearby Subway’s Restaurant. But after this collapse, I don’t think there is a restaurant big enough. Are the Yankees cursed?” she said as she devoured the last bite of her forth ten foot hero.
As we reported after last year’s Yankees collapse many fans believe the Yankees problems stem from “The Curse of Rabbi No”. According to unnamed sources, Rabbi Noach Norensburg, a rabbi at Torah Vodath, cursed the Yankees when students constantly discussed the Yankees during the 2001 season instead of learning torah. “As long as you continue to let your torah studies down, the Yankees will let you down.” the Rabbi warned. “I’m not sure I can think of any scenario more enjoyable than making 55,000 yeshiva bochurim shut up,” Rabbi No, as he is known to his students, was quoted as saying. Rumors circulated that Rabbi No, a Kohen, set his hands in the traditional Birchas Kohanim formation when he annunciated the curse- others speculated he was merely using the vulcan pinch to subdue his students. Rabbi No was not available for comment. We didn’t pursue him, not wanting to risk being cursed.
This year “Rabbi No” alluded to the collapse during his sermon on Parshas Noach, he referred to the Tower of Babel as the second biggest collapse in history. He continued, “Sometimes G-d uses Damons to slam the lust for the excessive. There’s no reason to spend twice as much as your neighbors, just to show off… Remember who’s your daddy in heaven and he will help you. One year g-d gives a little Penny, another year it may be a broken down Schilling that will bring you all you need. There will be no little Pesky guy holding you back. David will slay Goliath.”
Tal Mudovich, a former student of Rabbi No and founder of the “Yankees- Stop Underestimating the Curse” (Yankees Suc) is convinced of the curse. “The Curse of the Bambino, stopped the Redsox for 86 years. A Rabbi can stop the Yankees even with all their talent.” Mudovich said. “Only the Mets, and The New York Rangers are skilled enough to lose because they have too much talent.”
Rumors have circulated that Gabe Kapler and Kevin Youkilis, two Jewish Red Sox players, went to Rabbi No to annul the Curse of the Bambino. When asked for comments, Kapler just kept chanting “Who’s your rabbi?” to Theo Epstein as they shared Kedem Champaign during the Red Sox celebration.
According to sources Yankee Owner, George Steinbrenner, has offered Rabbi No a multimillion dollar contract to be a special advisor to the Yankees which includes a clause to allow the left handed rabbi an opportunity to try our to make the Yankee pitching staff. “Our pitching staff can’t get any worse.” Steinbrenner was quoted as saying. If Rabbi No doesn’t accept, Steinbrenner has threatened to eat all the chullent in the Rabbi’s shul each shabbos until he acquiesces. “I will not run out of gas until this curse is removed.” Separately Steinbrenner is installing water filters at Yankee Stadium to filter out the copepods. “We can’t have our players drinking unkosher water, besides the copepods should pay for tickets like everyone else” he said.