There are several methods with which a lady can present herself to her date upon his arrival. I’ve researched (by dating. Simple, huh?) and discovered five distinct methods and named these phenomena Revelationus Tacticus – or in laymen’s terms, Revelation Tactics. Here they are, in order of least preferred to most preferred:
The S.H.U.T. (She Hides Ups Tairs) Routine: This is the least favored among boys. Ironically, it’s the most commonly employed Revelation Tactic. Conversation is impossible with the girl’s parents when all that’s going through the boy’s mind is: When will she show up? Where’s she gonna pop out from? What’s she look like? It’s an absolute nightmare. If a girl stays in hiding too long, she may hurl a S.H.U.T.O.U.T. (She Hides Upstairs Till Our Ulcers Tear)
The S.W.I.S.S. (She Waits Inside So Sweetly) Miss: This is the most demure of Revelation Tactics. It occurs when the girl waits just inside (usually in the dining room) after her father or mother opens the door for you. It is more favorable than the S.H.U.T. Routine, but not nearly as pleasant as the following.
The D.O.D.I. (Date Opens Door, Interesting!) Method: This is literally the most inviting of all Revelation Tactics. It’s called “D.O.D.I.” because it is nearly every boy’s most “beloved” Tactic. He knows immediately who his lady is for the evening and feels MUCH more welcome because of her immediate presence. Hence, he is more at ease when conversing with her parents.
The F.I.A.T. (Family In A Tumult) System: This is what happens when there’s construction going on right outside, or a family member’s on her way back to Lakewood, or the house is in middle of being refurbished, or her brother is playing his drums at sonic-boom level while her two year old sister runs around in the buff and the bomb squad is hard at work in the basement. This is easy for boys to deal with because the girl’s parents usually understand the pressure. When a F.I.A.T. happens, parents are usually kind enough to present you their daughter and the exit door upon arrival.
The B.I.G.F.A.N.Z. (Boy It’s Great From A Neutral Zone!) Technique: This is what happens when the boy picks up the girl from anywhere that isn’t her house. Woohoo! Need I say more? (Note: A girl’s house can become a Neutral Zone if her parents are not at home)
So ladies, what is YOUR Revelation Tactic? Do you S.H.U.T. your date? Are you a S.W.I.S.S. Miss? A D.O.D.I? How many F.I.A.T.’s have you had? Do you have B.I.G.F.A.N.Z? Discuss amongst yourselves, I’m getting a little farklempt.