Several years ago I was invited to speak at a conference called USA 2000. There were 2,000 single people thereâ€”and one married rabbi. As I walked through the hallways of the enormous conference hall, I noticed that most people had a strange nervous tick, a kind of head bobbing. After a while I started to notice that the tick was not consistent among all the participants. Some bobbed their heads quickly up and down, while otherâ€™s bobbed in a long drawn out way. Finally I realized that it was not a nervous tick at all, but the participants were eyeing each other up and down.
During the conference I had a very uncomfortable conversation with a woman who was â€œdressed to kill,â€ as the saying goes. More specifically, she was undressed to kill. This woman was very annoyed by the whole event. â€œYou know, rabbi,â€ she sighed, â€œI am so sick and tired of men looking at me like a piece of meat.â€ I did not know what to say, other than, â€œSo why do you dress like a piece of meat?â€ But I thought, what is the point? So I said to her, â€œYou know what happens at these singles events? Everybody is looking for more. They are looking for an attractive person, and I can assure you that there will always be somebody more handsome and beautiful than whom theyâ€™ll find. They are looking for someone very intelligent, and I can assure you that there is always going to be someone more intelligent. They are looking for someone funny, and I can promise you that there is somebody even funnier. They are looking for someone successful, and I can guarantee you that there is someone even more successful.â€
When you view people from the outside, sizing then up externally, I explained to her, you will always find someone more beautiful, more intelligent, funnier or more successful. But when you look at someone on the inside, when you look at their true self, their soul, you will never find anyone who can compare. And if you let people see your soul then they will never find anyone who can compare to you. When you deal in the realm of the soul, however, you quickly realize that no one in the world is alike. Kabbalah teaches that the soul, your true I is none other than a spark of God, so to speak, and therefore you are absolutely unique and incomparable. And when you relate as a soul to another soul your true self radiates a warm and brilliant divine light. Your true individuality shines out. Kabbalah teaches that souls are really only interested in and attracted to souls.
The only thing that attracts us to another person is not a thing at all. It is the spiritual, the essence, the divineâ€”the â€˜youâ€™. The more that you can reveal yourself as a soul, the easier it will be to find your soul mate. People are not looking for their body mate; they are looking for their soul mate. But we create shtick around ourselves. We delude ourselves and put on psychological clothing that donâ€™t fit. We assume certain ways of speaking and acting that get in the way of letting our soul shine out. I saw a comic strip from â€œFifth St.â€ that depicts two young disheveled-looking guys who are giving each other advice about love, dating and marriage. One says to the other, â€œI am basically looking for a girl who will love me for who I think I am.â€ I know a lot of people who unknowingly have this problem. Rather than being real with who they are, they are lost in their self-delusions. Personal growth begins with being real about who you are so that you can start the journey towards becoming the â€œmeâ€ you want to be.
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- The Ideal Life Mate - January 16, 2006