Shidduch Agencies- A Guide to Jewish Matchmaking Services

Martin Bodek pokes some harmless fun at matchmakers.
The N.S.A. (National Shadchens Association): The governing body of all shidduch agencies. Their primary directive is pairing people together on the basis that one party is male and the other is female. This organization has the espionage capability to uncover so much of your past that they could write an unauthorized biography on your current life and seven past lives. They are also responsible for coining creative synonyms for a uh, possible prospect’s particular personal proportions. The NSA is most famous for creating the T.I.P. (Three Inch Phenomenon), where a 5 foot, 6 inch boy becomes 5 foot, 9 inches and a 5 foot, 1 inch girl becomes 5 foot, 4 inches.

The F.B.I. (Full Background Investigators): This agency is hired to ask pertinent questions such as the following: When he was two and a half, did he have a choop? Did he spit up a lot when he was a baby? What was his Geology mark in seventh grade? Does he think the millenium starts on January 1, 2000 or January 1, 2001? Is his Romanian grandparents’ Israeli neighbors’ French poodle a pure pedigree? Does his best friend’s boss wear his hat with an up tilt, down tilt, left tilt, right tilt, back tilt, front tilt, or Frank Sinatra tilt?

The I.R.S. (Internal Revenue Searchers): A telephone conversation from an agent representing this firm may sound something like this: “Does he have money? No? Do his parents have money? No? What about his grandparents? No? His Aunt? No? His Uncle? Still No? His Rebbe? Also no? You say he has a Yichus all the way to Shlomo Hamelech? He had money! Okay then, I’ll go ahead and contact the NSA.”

The A.T.F. (Alcohol, Tobacco, Fury): This is the agency that ensures that the guy never drinks outside of Purim or Simchas Torah, smokes only to collect the Marlboro miles, and gets angry only if he doesn’t understand a blat gemorah or if someone in shul slashes him with their tallis fringes.

The D.E.A. (Derech Eretz Agency): This agency is contracted to delve into the manners of the boy. They ask several questions like the following: When he opens doors, is he meticulous not to mash her face or crush her toes accidentally? When he parks, is he careful not to align the passenger door with a giant redwood tree or a parking meter with a drooling, barking mongrel attached to it? When caught in traffic, does he use traditional secular curses or inventive old-fashioned Yiddish ones?

The F.C.C. (Farmisht Communication Corporation): This agency is known to botch information when it is delivered from one person to the next until it reaches the intended source. It starts like this: “I heard he’s a nice boy.” And becomes, “I heard he’s a nice goy.” Which becomes, “He murdered a nice goy” And finally, “I heard of the Spice Girls, but a Spice Boy?”

The C.I.A. (Chatting In-laws Association): This is the division that directly interrogates the boy beneath the blinding lamp known as the Chandelier. Chaired by Mr. Dad, and attended by Mrs. Mom, they are usually easy on the boy because the FBI has already shredded his life and reputation to pieces. Ms. Daughter may or may not be present during the interview, but miracle of miracles, the boy is almost always allowed to leave with her.

N.A.S.A. (National Alliance of Shadchen Appreciators): This is by far the largest shidduch agency. Its members include every dating boy and girl on the face of the earth. All kidding aside, shadchonim are Hashem’s teammates, and endeavor selflessly to pair us with our soulmates. G-d bless them all.

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